Nothing ends without a showdown
Recently the love of my life asked me why I didnt post here anymore. My only responce was 'What do I have to post?' You see, everything in my life has to be abstracted, twisted, blurred... I cant come straight out and say anything. Its always protect the innocent, hide the truth, and keep the fucking secret from somebody, or everybody. I am tired of it... I am heading like a freight train for my 31st birthday and what do I have to show for it? A child with a woman I dont love, and a woman I love but cant do so publically.
I have made strides in the last 5-6 months with Corwin. I feel a bond I couldnt even imagine when this all started. He makes me laugh and he makes me cry, he reminds me that I have a greater responsibility to him than I realise. I have to be happy with myself in my own life, or I am useless as a father to him. If I let anyone treat me like crap, if I allow anything less than I feel I deserve, then I cant look him in the face and teach him to be a happy well adjusted man.
My love life is not good at all. I cry myself asleep, I cry when I wake up, and sometimes I just think about how much of myself I have invested into a relationship that I cant be in. I cant be a part of her life because its too complicated, too many people who's lives cannot be disturbed, too many things dependant upon us being an invisible couple. Take that all away, and its still not a complete relationship. Two months ago she saw the light and declared she had to change her life. Here we are now, little to no change has been made. Except now I feel like a complete outsider and she has aquired a new group of friends who seem to consitently rate higher in her life than me. My phones called go unreturned because they are over, or they are going out, or just because. Her job seems to suck the life out of her, yet why would she bother looking for another one? She is so glad to be out of the place at the end of the day, she cant even describe the day to me... yet she has been consistently screwed out of commission from almost day one. Now lets move onto her cleaning up her previous relationship. This is still left undone, even after her 'sudden realization' she has yet to finalize any of it. How can I ever be a viable option in her life if I can never be 'Bonafide'? I have made the ultimate declaration, as she is the first woman I have ever truely wanted to marry. I can not only see us spending the rest of our lives together, I cant imagine any other future at all.
Yet here I sit a broken hearted man... I cant live this way.
I am doing my duty to my son, I have gone to court and have taken on a huge financial responsibility. In respect to that part of my life, I can look Corwin in the eye and feel I am doing my all. However, in my personal life, I cant even look at myself in the mirror. I am in a realtionship I have no say in. Our communication is purely at her whim, I rate the occasional phonecall but rarely a return call. I havent receieved and email or ICQ message from her in months. Her every excuse is an apology, a refusal to apologize, a bald statement that her life is to complicated, or the blank question 'Whats wrong? Why are you upset?"
If you love something, set it free...
posted by Jeff Rowe Sunday, November 30, 2003 | permalink> | 1 comment