Monday, May 7th, 2001

Jeff's "So Called Life"
[Converted from Old Site Format]

Someone explain why things need to be so problematic? Why cant my stories end 'happily ever after...'? Hell, I dont even get a good 'happily for a little while.' Bitter you say? Sure - I guess so

Turmoil in Jeff's World... What else is new? Very appropriate indeed. It seems that happiness is on hold as well as love, understandably so, but still painful. It seems I have fallen for a beautiful girl, who is being racked by doubts. I understand, I wasnt looking for true love when I met her. I was simply looking for someone to go out with, have fun, and maybe even hit it off with. My last run in with romance had left me with a bad taste in my mouth and a fear of commitment, things most men are born with. I know someday I want to get married and have kids, but right now I feel more like I am a kid, not a 28 year old Bachelor. My parents got married and had me, all at the young age of 18, I'm 28 and just seeing my friends having kids and getting married is still alien to me. Someday... maybe a week, a month, 6 months, a year, maybe two. Just not right now...

Then I meet an incredible girl, and for the first time I could see it, i could picture it... the timing still wasnt right, but at least my future vision of it wasnt as dark.

Anyways, now here I am, she is having doubts, and taking time away from 'Us'. I understand, she has worked for a long time towards graduating college, made plans for moving away from Lake County, getting a great job, and living life the she dreamed of. For me to come along just a few months before graduation and sidetrack her, Maybe even possibly 'derail' her from the goals she has made for herself, I would never want that. That doesnt mean it is going to be easy on either of us... I know that just the possibility of loosing her has really made it hard for me to think lately.

Anyways... so few people read my page, I guess this whole thing is simply for myself... its me working out my own thoughts and feelings... but Iguess Im hoping she's still coming to my page, to see what is going on in my head... how badly spelled it is... and I hope she liked the roses...
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:35 PM | link

Friday, May 11th, 2001

In Praise of 'Memento'
[Converted from Old Site Format]

Lastnight I wasted 3 hours after work, I didnt go home. I went through Barnes and Nobels, Ate at Bd's Mongolian BBQ (yum!), shopped around for a Garage Door Opener, and otherwise bummed around. All so I could meet Jill and Kernesa at TGIFridays at 9:00pm and go see 'Memento' at the Lincolshire Regal@9:40pm. Its the only local place left showing it, and let me tell you it was worth it. In fact it had so many things I'm still working out that I am dedicating a page of its own to it. Jump to it or gotot the reviews and jump from there
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:38 PM | link

Wednesday, May 9th, 2001

The Aftereffects
[Converted from Old Site Format]

Well, Seems my buddy Joe read it before she did. He is the one who set us up, so he called both of us and got our stories. He's a good friend, and Im glad he was worried enought to call. Plus it got her to the site which I think she would have anyways. Well, nothings changed, except my outlook... I have faith things will work out.
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:38 PM | link

Monday, May 14th, 2001

DONT PANIC!
[Converted from Old Site Format]

I remeber when I first discovered my love for British Comedy. "Benny Hill", "Dr. Who", "Monty Python", "Who's Line is it Anyways?", "The Young Ones"... Some so dry and witty, others showing you the true 'low brow' humor everyone loves. I would probably never have found these treasures if it wasnt for a single author and his monumental 'Five Book Trilogy' - Friday the 11th, at the young age of 49, famed author and visonary Douglas Adams passed away of a heart attack. His humor and wisdom will live on, and we should all do our part. In my opinon, The Hitchhikers series should be required reading in schools, alongside 'Stranger in a Strange Land'... I will forever see the world for the colorful place it is because of his amazing ways to look at a serious situation and make it funny. If I ever travel the universe, I will always know where my towel is, In the face of the most amazing situations I will not PANIC! and someday I hope we will find the spot in the universe, that bottom right hand corner where god signed this work of art we call reality.

Goodbye Douglas Adams... So Long and thanks for all the Fish!
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:39 PM | link

Wednesday, May 16th, 2001 "Dont Panic"
[Converted from Old Site Format]

Douglas Adams TOWEL Day : MAY 25th, 2001

Clyde Williamson @ Binaryfreedom.com is trying to declare an unofficial but wonderful 'tribute' day. He has declared that all true fans of Douglas Adams should tribute him by carrying a towel around on May 25th, 2001. The fact that many people have not read Adams, and will surely ask you why you have a towel will be a great way to spread the word and lure more into reading this wonderful series. The towels of coarse shouldnt be simpel or basic, Gaudy infact is the best choice as you wouldnt want to find that you have the same exact towel as someone else And remember, towels can be used for many things other than drying yourself/Others/objects. They can be wet to become weapons, they can be soaked in nutrients and become a source of sustinence, or wrapped wround your head to shutout the annoyign things in your world like annoying customers, coworkers, or your boss
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:40 PM | link

Monday, May 21st, 2001

The "If my Life were a CD, right now it would be 'NIN's Pretty Hate Machine' except not as happy" Turmoil Update
[Converted from Old Site Format]

DISCLAIMER - WARNING! The rest of this Mainpage will be spent listening to me bitch, whine, and moan. I will attempt to work out my issues by airing them in a Semi-Public manor, and mix dripping sarcasm, stupid jokes, and bitterness into my virtual ink. If youru are reading this, you either stumbled here, came here to get MHS Class of 91 Reunion info, are a friend of mine, or your a key player in the following drama. So if you continue on, and read the rest of this, its your choice... there are no refunds, I am not responsible for any lost items, permenant damage, or other injuries you might suffer in the process... this is my life, a neverending rollercoaster... keep your hands inside the car at all times or you might loose an arm. - Jeff

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."
Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963)

My weekend wasnt horrible, it was actually quite good. However my weekend did end on a sour note, but hey, I have it from the source that the whole thing is best for me. I'm being saved from major hurt and issues later on.

Um, ehhemmm! Bullshit!

Somehow the more I think about it the more it sounds like a copout. Lay the issues out, dump everything out on the table and lets line them up and see how things look?

1. She Plans on moving out of Illinois after graduation in December, If I am in her life I will be a reason she might not do this. Since she is moving away, and I have a house, family, friends, and job here, I am 99% unlikely to move with her. She is then saving me from a potentially worse breakup later on.

2. She has 2 more semesters of school, one of which she is taking 2 months off work to deal with because she will need all of her time, energy, and sanity to deal with. I would simply be another burden on her emotions, time, and life.

3. She doesnt handle stress well, so when programming and such she becomes a temporarily insane. She doesnt want to have to worry about pissing me off which she will inevitably do because of the stress, lack of sleep, etc...

4. I was a good boyfriend, she really cares for me, and I did nothing wrong. This whole thing is for my own good. I am being saved from pain and emotional distress.

5. She did nothing wrong, except to say she would go out on a date with me in the first place. Not that she regrets it, but by allowing herself that little pleasure, she opened the door to me... and fell in head first. Its not like she is dumping me for another guy or anything.

6. What should I have expected? Aside from telling me she wasnt a psycho she was completely honest with me. I got to hear about all her little quirks and personal oddities, her sordid past, and alot of the skeletons in the closet... Why should I expect anything other than what I got?

7. She understands if I hate her and never want to talk to her again. In fact it would be better if I did, or at least yelled at her, got mad, was an asshoel to her or maybe cheated on her. If I gave her a reason to justify breaking up with me.

Ok, remember, these are not my arguments... they are hers, the wording is the best I could recollect, I think I did a decent job of getting her arguments down.

Now the first thing I see after reviewing this is that these are all arguements for HER. Aside from saving me from her craziness during the summer, none of this is in my best interest at all. Newsflash! This is painful... It does hurt, and I've had to deal with this... to think about it for 3 weeks, knowing the inevitable truth of what was going to happen while giving you your time and space. This isnt the stock market... I dont play my life like options, I dont sell life short to avoid some 'potential' fluctuation in the future. Until it happens its not real... by worrying about it, by thinking over how horrible it will be you are only making your worst estimates come true... you MADE it what it would have been... you took that road.

Outside of that, the rest are arguments all on her behalf. Except for the statement's that I wasnt at fault, and neither was she. The rest are self serving and self loathing... She is the way she is, and there is nothing she can do... I would change her plans for this wonderful and happy future she has planned for herself. All she has to do is graduate, move away from illinois, get a great job with a great company, and after a year or two she will buy a nice house and a car... and then she will be ready to travel, and then after that maybe even find someone to be with... Then her life will be settled and normal and things can go about their way... stress free.

Welcome to the real world, if the stress of highschool, college, and a relationship get you tied up in knots like this then when and how do you plan on having this happy life? Life isnt stress free... Stress is everywhere... its both the Spice of life and a kick in the ass. I todl myself for years that as soon as I got a car that didnt breakdown everyother week my life would be easy... ha! I told myself once I had a good steady, well paying job, life would be cake... NOT! Once I move out on my own, buy or rent... thats truely when Life will be Pie! Hell no! When I find a beautiful & wonderful woman, One I can actually say I love you too, one who says it back to me... when I can picture marrying her and having kids with her... that is when my life will be perfect and stress free, covered with whip cream w/ a cherry on top...

Guess what? Its not... she fucking dumped me anyways. Life doesnt hand out happy endings... you write them for yourself. Nobody lives happily forever after, you life as happy as you can and take the bumps your dealt. Stress is always an issue... if you dont let yourself be happy now then you will find that you will never be capable of happiness... you will always be looking into that future for the better life... and throwing away something good in hoped of freeing yourself up for that Nirvana you've convinced yourself exisits. Why cant anyone else see it? You've told them all about it!

Well, Here is my rant... I couldnt yell at you, hate you, hit you, cheat on you. Maybe this will be reason enough for you to justify your actions.

Maybe I can work this up into a good Lathery Hate... Maybe I can let it swell up, fester and become some kind of hate monster... but then thats not me... its not how I work. The whole time you were there, dumping me, giving me every cheesy excuse, looking as hurt and sad as possible... while I walked you to your car, while I watched you drive away... even now... I just wanted to hold you in my arms and kiss you... Its almost all I've thought about for the last 3 weeks without you...

Hmmm... I still dont feel better, surprised? Im not... thats not the way the world works... Even Time doesnt heal, it just lets the scar thicken up... dulls the associated pain...

------------------------------------------

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.
-- Epicurus

Don't be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don't be bitter, lest you be spewed out.
-- Jewish Proverb

Get pleasure out of life...as much as you can. Nobody every died from pleasure.
-- Sol Hurok

------------------------------------------------------------------------
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:41 PM | link

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001

Its been a "Trent Reznor Saves the Day, too bad neither of us are as cool as we used to be." Kinda breakup
[Converted from Old Site Format]

Time moves fast when you spend the whole time in your head. Luckily I have my stereo hooked up, my copy of "NIN : Pretty Hate Machine", and alot of people who will let me spew my emotions on them.

I managed to exchange emails with and visit Sandra yesterday. I guess things are in a way better for me, nothing feels done, there is no 'closure' but I guess I understand her reason more. Ive gone from my last several relationships where it was casual or noncommital, where walking away was either mutual or at minimum easily done. Compare that to a relationship where you ache to hear her voice, to smell her perfume, and to see the way she bites her lip when she smiles, givign away her intense feelings for you. Add in a little of the standard 'getting to know each other' talks... reveal your likes, dislikes, fears, fantasies, sordid tales, and deep feelings and you have a wonderful a chemical cocktail that is pure energy but will explode if mishandled.

One thing I know is that if I was her, with the same ideals and plans, I would like to say I might have done the same thing, for her this was probably the best thing... but for me, on this side of things... its all hurt. She was the best thing in my life in quite a while, she actually had me considerign marriage... questioning why I have this aversion to it, why I am still this 18 year old kid in a 28 year old body. It felt like we had known each other forever, like we had been destined to meet and had missed out. And our meeting was this karmic debt, this short amount of time to fill with an entire relationship. Maybe that was true, it would explain the shortness of it.

The truth is she has big plans, and right now is a hectic part of her life. She has family to back her, school and classes to fill her mind and her time, work to take up her extra hours, and the stress of all this combined to drive her near the edge. A relationship is just an added burden on her emotions, time, and energy. I was expendable, we were expendable. Wow! The hurt that a statement like that can cause. It was a very final thing to say, but it was a million times better than getting 'stroked'... getting the patted on the head and kicked on the ass... being built up while the other person tries to knock themselves of the pedestal you see them on. Saying things like 'Its not you its me", "I hope we can stay friends", "You know how I am", or "You didnt do anything wrong" are Situational Handlers... crisis management techniques... the same things used to talk jumpers down, terrorists into giving up hostages, loonies into giving up, firing employee's, and letting boy/girlfriends off lightly. They might sound right, and maybe you do feel that way, but they are tainted by the millions who have used them to 'fake' emotion in a breakup. When you truely care for someone, dont hold back, flat out say why! Then after that point is made, after the cut is true and deep, make sure they realize you are hurting too, that the decison is as painful for you... unless of coarse its not. I feel no Ill will... or I should say I wish no Ill will upon her... even I know that if she would give me a reason to hate her the pain for me would be short and quick, but I dont want to hate her. I cant hate her... because I love her. I've told her that before, and I meant it every single time. Im healing, dealing, coping... every 'ing' that applys is being in process... but a lagging fear in my heart... despite her attempts to tell me different, despite all the times she confessed her love... is that in the end she really didnt love me, or doesnt love me still. Its a fear, irrational yet justifiable...

Now on with my life... how does a single person act again? Is this emotional scar as obvious as it feels? Can the world see that Ive lost a major part of my Hert? Do I rebound and take the first thing I can find? Do I go for quantity or quality?Can I expect to replace something like what I had? Do I bother?

I dont know... im 'just pushing the cart' - < sorry, inside joke >
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:43 PM | link

Friday, May 25thth, 2001

"Whats the Plan Jack?" - What Im doing and not doing this weekend.
[Converted from Old Site Format]

Disclaimer: Okay, I know the Title is a little dramatic. Or at least it might be if you know my frame of mind. Odd's are good you might be reading this to see what that crazy bald guy might do next. Anyhow, standard warnings apply... dont keep reading if you really could care less what Im doing, not doing, thinking, feeling, having for lunch. Hell, just by coming to this site you have lost all rights to bitch or complain about anything i choose to include here. Live it, Love it, Deal with it! As a note, Im not usually this sarcastic... at least I dont think so. -Jeff
----------------------

My Plans?! Well this weekend is a doozie... Things to do, Places to go, People to see. Here is the List:

Friday Night: My friend Molly (Friendography) from Kentucky is coming up to Chicago for the weekend. She has decided to hang out with me and go do some drinking. From the sounds of things in kenucky she could use the party time. Rumors are either something local or maybe downtown... Ok? So? We are indecisive!

Saturday Night: Its "Neils Bachelor Party" Night! This was initially unsure as a plan. After all I technically had a girlfriend who might not like it so much. Now that isnt a problem... and I might as well go see some live naked chicks now seeing as who knows when ill get to see another Anyways, the truth is this is to celebrate "Neils" getting married. For those outside the circle "Neil" is Neil Kagan... aka: Dave Kagan's Little Brother. He is a hell of a partier on his own, so with an occasion like this I should have a nice little damage report to put up here next week !

Sunday and Monday: Rest, relaxation, treating a hangover... and avoiding thinking about my personal issues. Ahh, you thought I'd forget to mention those right? Nope, simply didnt apply so far.

Jeff's State of the Brain

I have managed to work things out quite well, thanks to the modern miracle of this website. Not to mention all my friends and thier wonderful inability to runaway when I start talking about my problems. Nothing is settled, not completely, but I have accepted it and started to cope.

I have alot of fond memories, they can make me smile and they can make me cry. The thought of being near Sandra again is a good one, even if it is just as a friend. However, even in friendship I loose out cause she doesnt have the time for me in her life. I guess we both have an easy way out, she will be to busy to think about it, and I wont see her at all... except for maybe the occasional email.

Now I just wonder, do I put myself through this type of thing again? How is it that the one time I risk my heart in ages, it winds up being the time It gets broken. How long do I wait till I look for someone else? Is there an time limit at all? Why do I feel so odd for thinking about this stuff?

I liked my casual relationships, they didnt usually workout, but they also didnt cause this much of an issue. Sure there might be some problems... but it was minimal compared to this. I knew that Sandra and I would have a small chance of working out in the long run... I knew she planned on moving after graduation. I told her that we woudl deal with that when it came time... its easier to do this stuff when you can prepare for the inevitable. Instead it happened in a horrible and drawn out way, 3 weeks of the unknown, what is she doing/thinking? Followed by 1 day of anticipation... She was back, will things be okay with us? And then the face to face... at least she did it face to face... and she tells me she cant see me anymore.

I made it harder than it should have been, I hate round about thinking. I dont want to be buttered up, I dont want to think less of you, just tell it to me straight. Now I have gotten it. Im thinking about it and dealing with it as best as I can. I've considered hoping for things to go back the way they were, to get her back... not likely. Then I thought about going out and getting wild... replacing her with the first dozen Icaa get my hands on, I want never like that before... why now? Then I considered just living life as usual... see where the tides and the widns take me.

I like that... the winds are strange things. They can lead you in small circles, big circles, take you to a new place each ride, or smash you on the rocks. As long as you keep an eye out and dont depend on the winds to think for you, you can let them lead and you can control how it goes. Guess, Ill try that for a while.
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:45 PM | link

Tuesday, May 29th, 2001

My Weekend, my Memorial Day, my God! My, my, my!
[Converted from Old Site Format]

Well, I must say that these long weekends might just kill me someday. Will that stop me? Probably not... I had a good weekend, and now here I am @work, tired, sore, but in a good mood. Okay... onto the weekend!

Friday night: Molly got into town around 8pm or so. We got ready and headed downtown. A nice tour of chicago later we wound up at Borderline on North Ave/Damen/Milwaukee. Its gotten way yuppier than i remebered and we were not dressed or mentally set for this type of place. We left and tried to figure out a place we could go that was the right atmosphere... and couldnt. The double door had US MAPLE playing, and though I have heard little by them I know a friend who likes them and I really debated going in and checking them out. Loud music wasnt the mood, so off we went... driving by everything, we couldnt find anything worthwhile... so we headed home. Pretty boring huh? Well, the excitement was that we then ran out of gas... I got off the highway to get gas, and found that the Willmette/Evanston area at 12pm has no open Gas stations. Luckily Rob came to the rescue and got us gas and to a gas station. We then went home and watched a movie... and Passed out cold... Whoo hoo!

Saturday: Molly and I headed up to Lake Geneva, to visit an old friend who manages the Starbucks up there. Lake Geneva has changed alot in the least few years... its amazing. We hung out, had a few drinks, waiting for him to get off work. Turns out he left work a 1/2 hour before we stopped bakc in and so we had to drive to Kenosha to find him at home. It was good, we got to shoot the shit and see Mark and Denise for a while. Hear the gossip, and with this bunch the gossip can be quite entertaining. I had to cut it early... I had to get to Dave's for the bachelor party.

Saturday Night: Rob was slow getting ready as usual so we got to Dave at 6:30. Picked up Mark and Dave, then onto Bensonville for our buddy Phil. From there it was onto this private club. It turns out I gre up not very far from this place... sorta. Its a little hotdog stand that had a large back club area. The place was a little seedy, but the potential was interesting. $50 a head, free well liquor, beer, and pizza. Turns out it was a great time... the dancers were incredibly gorgeous... they came out and talked to us and joked around. On stage they tortured the bachelor, givign him his fair share of memories to carry into his marriage. The bargirl offered nipple shots... and they had some wild wild lapdances. I guess truth be told I cannot give the whole thing away. Everyone of us were good boys... nothing illegal or illicit. Nobodies girlfriend or wife will find anything out that will destroy realtionships. Its was a good time for all... The bachelor party headed on to heavenly bodies... we had only had 4 hours of partying under our belts and we all headed home feeling partied out. God are we getting old

Sunday: This was a day of rest, nothing too amazing happened. Instead of hitting the movies I went out with Molly again. She had herded up a couple friends and we all went to a few bars and hung out. We had a good time... Molly was just shy of schitzo, Lily was very cute and pretty wierd herself, and Mike was entertaining in his endless pursuit of getting lily to sleep with him. We didnt really know each other but we hit if off pretty well. After a while we dropped Lily off at her car and mike off at his place and went back to watch movies at my place. Another long, late night... man Im old!

Monday: I stopped by my parents and they were not there, bought some DVD's, and stopped in at a friends BBQ. Sachiko's BBQ wasnt spectacular but it was fun just shooting the shit and such. Debbie and Sarah came over and watched movies... we tried to BBQ but the Gas tank was dead. Nothing to fancy but it was fun...

Well, that was my weekend... in retrospect it wasnt as excitign as it had seemed. I did talk to my friend Shanna on monday night... called her to bother her. I also called Sandra, but she was sleeping. And this week Rob is watching his grandmothers place... so unless Leroy shows up I'm just hanging out at my place watching TV and movies all week alone Such is the life of a bachelor. Hmm, tonight is 'skanky whore night' at Dizzies Any of the group up for our regular AA Meeting tonight?
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:45 PM | link