Monday, May 7th, 2001
Someone explain why things need to be so problematic? Why cant my stories
end 'happily ever after...'? Hell, I dont even get a good 'happily for a
little while.' Bitter you say? Sure - I guess so Turmoil in Jeff's World... What else is new? Very appropriate indeed. It
seems that happiness is on hold as well as love, understandably so, but still
painful. It seems I have fallen for a beautiful girl, who is being racked by
doubts. I understand, I wasnt looking for true love when I met her. I was
simply looking for someone to go out with, have fun, and maybe even hit it off
with. My last run in with romance had left me with a bad taste in my mouth and
a fear of commitment, things most men are born with. I know someday I want to
get married and have kids, but right now I feel more like I am a kid, not a 28
year old Bachelor. My parents got married and had me, all at the young age of
18, I'm 28 and just seeing my friends having kids and getting married is still
alien to me. Someday... maybe a week, a month, 6 months, a year, maybe two.
Just not right now... Then I meet an incredible girl, and for the first time I could see it, i
could picture it... the timing still wasnt right, but at least my future
vision of it wasnt as dark. Anyways, now here I am, she is having doubts, and taking time away from
'Us'. I understand, she has worked for a long time towards graduating college,
made plans for moving away from Lake County, getting a great job, and living
life the she dreamed of. For me to come along just a few months before
graduation and sidetrack her, Maybe even possibly 'derail' her from the goals
she has made for herself, I would never want that. That doesnt mean it is
going to be easy on either of us... I know that just the possibility of
loosing her has really made it hard for me to think lately. Anyways... so few people read my page, I guess this whole thing is simply
for myself... its me working out my own thoughts and feelings... but Iguess Im
hoping she's still coming to my page, to see what is going on in my head...
how badly spelled it is... and I hope she liked the roses...Jeff's "So Called Life"
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posted by Jeff Rowe 3:35 PM | link
Friday, May 11th,
2001
Lastnight I wasted 3 hours after work, I didnt go home. I went through
Barnes and Nobels, Ate at Bd's Mongolian BBQ (yum!), shopped around for a
Garage Door Opener, and otherwise bummed around. All so I could meet Jill and
Kernesa at TGIFridays at 9:00pm and go see 'Memento' at the Lincolshire
Regal@9:40pm. Its the only local place left showing it, and let me tell you it
was worth it. In fact it had so many things I'm still working out that I am
dedicating a page of its own to it. Jump to it In Praise of 'Memento'
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posted by Jeff Rowe 3:38 PM | link
Wednesday, May 9th,
2001
Well, Seems my buddy Joe read it before she did. He is the one who set us
up, so he called both of us and got our stories. He's a good friend, and Im
glad he was worried enought to call. Plus it got her to the site The Aftereffects
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posted by Jeff Rowe
3:38 PM | link
Monday, May 14th,
2001
I remeber when I first discovered my love for British Comedy. "Benny Hill",
"Dr. Who", "Monty Python", "Who's Line is it Anyways?", "The Young Ones"...
Some so dry and witty, others showing you the true 'low brow' humor everyone
loves. I would probably never have found these treasures if it wasnt for a
single author and his monumental 'Five Book Trilogy' - Friday the 11th, at the
young age of 49, famed author and visonary Douglas Adams passed away of a
heart attack. His humor and wisdom will live on, and we should all do our
part. In my opinon, The Hitchhikers series should be required reading in
schools, alongside 'Stranger in a Strange Land'... I will forever see the
world for the colorful place it is because of his amazing ways to look at a
serious situation and make it funny. If I ever travel the universe, I will
always know where my towel is, In the face of the most amazing situations I
will not PANIC! and someday I hope we will find the spot in the universe, that
bottom right hand corner where god signed this work of art we call reality.
Goodbye Douglas Adams... So Long and thanks for all the Fish!DONT PANIC!
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posted by Jeff Rowe 3:39 PM | link
Wednesday, May 16th,
2001 "Dont Panic" Douglas Adams TOWEL Day : MAY 25th, 2001 Clyde Williamson @ Binaryfreedom.com is trying to declare an unofficial but
wonderful 'tribute' day. He has declared that all true fans of Douglas Adams
should tribute him by carrying a towel around on May 25th, 2001. The fact that
many people have not read Adams, and will surely ask you why you have a towel
will be a great way to spread the word and lure more into reading this wonderful
series. The towels of coarse shouldnt be simpel or basic, Gaudy infact is the
best choice as you wouldnt want to find that you have the same exact towel as
someone else
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posted by Jeff Rowe 3:40
PM | link
Monday, May 21st,
2001
DISCLAIMER - WARNING! The rest of this Mainpage will be spent listening to
me bitch, whine, and moan. I will attempt to work out my issues by airing them
in a Semi-Public manor, and mix dripping sarcasm, stupid jokes, and bitterness
into my virtual ink. If youru are reading this, you either stumbled here, came
here to get MHS Class of 91 Reunion info, are a friend of mine, or your a key
player in the following drama. So if you continue on, and read the rest of
this, its your choice... there are no refunds, I am not responsible for any
lost items, permenant damage, or other injuries you might suffer in the
process... this is my life, a neverending rollercoaster... keep your hands
inside the car at all times or you might loose an arm. - Jeff "Maybe this world is another planet's hell." My weekend wasnt horrible, it was actually quite good. However my weekend
did end on a sour note, but hey, I have it from the source that the whole
thing is best for me. I'm being saved from major hurt and issues later on.
Um, ehhemmm! Somehow the more I think about it the more it sounds like a copout. Lay the
issues out, dump everything out on the table and lets line them up and see how
things look? 1. She Plans on moving out of Illinois after graduation in December, If I
am in her life I will be a reason she might not do this. Since she is moving
away, and I have a house, family, friends, and job here, I am 99% unlikely to
move with her. She is then saving me from a potentially worse breakup later
on. 2. She has 2 more semesters of school, one of which she is taking 2 months
off work to deal with because she will need all of her time, energy, and
sanity to deal with. I would simply be another burden on her emotions, time,
and life. 3. She doesnt handle stress well, so when programming and such she becomes
a temporarily insane. She doesnt want to have to worry about pissing me off
which she will inevitably do because of the stress, lack of sleep, etc... 4. I was a good boyfriend, she really cares for me, and I did nothing
wrong. This whole thing is for my own good. I am being saved from pain and
emotional distress. 5. She did nothing wrong, except to say she would go out on a date with me
in the first place. Not that she regrets it, but by allowing herself that
little pleasure, she opened the door to me... and fell in head first. Its not
like she is dumping me for another guy or anything. 6. What should I have expected? Aside from telling me she wasnt a psycho
she was completely honest with me. I got to hear about all her little quirks
and personal oddities, her sordid past, and alot of the skeletons in the
closet... Why should I expect anything other than what I got? 7. She understands if I hate her and never want to talk to her again. In
fact it would be better if I did, or at least yelled at her, got mad, was an
asshoel to her or maybe cheated on her. If I gave her a reason to justify
breaking up with me. Ok, remember, these are not my arguments... they are hers, the wording is
the best I could recollect, I think I did a decent job of getting her
arguments down. Now the first thing I see after reviewing this is that these are all
arguements for HER. Aside from saving me from her craziness during the summer,
none of this is in my best interest at all. Newsflash! This is painful... It
does hurt, and I've had to deal with this... to think about it for 3 weeks,
knowing the inevitable truth of what was going to happen while giving you your
time and space. This isnt the stock market... I dont play my life like
options, I dont sell life short to avoid some 'potential' fluctuation in the
future. Until it happens its not real... by worrying about it, by thinking
over how horrible it will be you are only making your worst estimates come
true... you MADE it what it would have been... you took that road. Outside of that, the rest are arguments all on her behalf. Except for the
statement's that I wasnt at fault, and neither was she. The rest are self
serving and self loathing... She is the way she is, and there is nothing she
can do... I would change her plans for this wonderful and happy future she has
planned for herself. All she has to do is graduate, move away from illinois,
get a great job with a great company, and after a year or two she will buy a
nice house and a car... and then she will be ready to travel, and then after
that maybe even find someone to be with... Then her life will be settled and
normal and things can go about their way... stress free. Welcome to the real world, if the stress of highschool, college, and a
relationship get you tied up in knots like this then when and how do you plan
on having this happy life? Life isnt stress free... Stress is everywhere...
its both the Spice of life and a kick in the ass. I todl myself for years that
as soon as I got a car that didnt breakdown everyother week my life would be
easy... ha! I told myself once I had a good steady, well paying job, life
would be cake... NOT! Once I move out on my own, buy or rent... thats truely
when Life will be Pie! Hell no! When I find a beautiful & wonderful woman,
One I can actually say I love you too, one who says it back to me... when I
can picture marrying her and having kids with her... that is when my life will
be perfect and stress free, covered with whip cream w/ a cherry on top... Guess what? Its not... she fucking dumped me anyways. Life doesnt hand out
happy endings... you write them for yourself. Nobody lives happily forever
after, you life as happy as you can and take the bumps your dealt. Stress is
always an issue... if you dont let yourself be happy now then you will find
that you will never be capable of happiness... you will always be looking into
that future for the better life... and throwing away something good in hoped
of freeing yourself up for that Nirvana you've convinced yourself exisits. Why
cant anyone else see it? You've told them all about it! Well, Here is my rant... I couldnt yell at you, hate you, hit you, cheat on
you. Maybe this will be reason enough for you to justify your actions. Maybe I can work this up into a good Lathery Hate... Maybe I can let it
swell up, fester and become some kind of hate monster... but then thats not
me... its not how I work. The whole time you were there, dumping me, giving me
every cheesy excuse, looking as hurt and sad as possible... while I walked you
to your car, while I watched you drive away... even now... I just wanted to
hold you in my arms and kiss you... Its almost all I've thought about for the
last 3 weeks without you... Hmmm... I still dont feel better, surprised? Im not... thats not the way
the world works... Even Time doesnt heal, it just lets the scar thicken up...
dulls the associated pain... ------------------------------------------ Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that
what you now have was once among the things only hoped for. Don't be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don't be bitter, lest you be spewed
out. Get pleasure out of life...as much as you can. Nobody every died from
pleasure. ------------------------------------------------------------------------The "If my Life were a CD, right now it would be
'NIN's Pretty Hate Machine' except not as happy" Turmoil
Update
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Aldous Huxley (1894 -
1963)
-- Epicurus
-- Jewish Proverb
-- Sol Hurok
posted by Jeff Rowe 3:41 PM | link
Wednesday, May 23rd,
2001
Time moves fast when you spend the whole time in your head. Luckily I have
my stereo hooked up, my copy of "NIN : Pretty Hate Machine", and alot of
people who will let me spew my emotions on them. I managed to exchange emails with and visit Sandra yesterday. I guess
things are in a way better for me, nothing feels done, there is no 'closure'
but I guess I understand her reason more. Ive gone from my last several
relationships where it was casual or noncommital, where walking away was
either mutual or at minimum easily done. Compare that to a relationship where
you ache to hear her voice, to smell her perfume, and to see the way she bites
her lip when she smiles, givign away her intense feelings for you. Add in a
little of the standard 'getting to know each other' talks... reveal your
likes, dislikes, fears, fantasies, sordid tales, and deep feelings and you
have a wonderful a chemical cocktail that is pure energy but will explode if
mishandled. One thing I know is that if I was her, with the same ideals and plans, I
would like to say I might have done the same thing, for her this was probably
the best thing... but for me, on this side of things... its all hurt. She was
the best thing in my life in quite a while, she actually had me considerign
marriage... questioning why I have this aversion to it, why I am still this 18
year old kid in a 28 year old body. It felt like we had known each other
forever, like we had been destined to meet and had missed out. And our meeting
was this karmic debt, this short amount of time to fill with an entire
relationship. Maybe that was true, it would explain the shortness of it. The truth is she has big plans, and right now is a hectic part of her life.
She has family to back her, school and classes to fill her mind and her time,
work to take up her extra hours, and the stress of all this combined to drive
her near the edge. A relationship is just an added burden on her emotions,
time, and energy. I was expendable, we were expendable. Wow! The hurt that a
statement like that can cause. It was a very final thing to say, but it was a
million times better than getting 'stroked'... getting the patted on the head
and kicked on the ass... being built up while the other person tries to knock
themselves of the pedestal you see them on. Saying things like 'Its not you
its me", "I hope we can stay friends", "You know how I am", or "You didnt do
anything wrong" are Situational Handlers... crisis management techniques...
the same things used to talk jumpers down, terrorists into giving up hostages,
loonies into giving up, firing employee's, and letting boy/girlfriends off
lightly. They might sound right, and maybe you do feel that way, but they are
tainted by the millions who have used them to 'fake' emotion in a breakup.
When you truely care for someone, dont hold back, flat out say why! Then after
that point is made, after the cut is true and deep, make sure they realize you
are hurting too, that the decison is as painful for you... unless of coarse
its not. I feel no Ill will... or I should say I wish no Ill will upon her...
even I know that if she would give me a reason to hate her the pain for me
would be short and quick, but I dont want to hate her. I cant hate her...
because I love her. I've told her that before, and I meant it every single
time. Im healing, dealing, coping... every 'ing' that applys is being in
process... but a lagging fear in my heart... despite her attempts to tell me
different, despite all the times she confessed her love... is that in the end
she really didnt love me, or doesnt love me still. Its a fear, irrational yet
justifiable... Now on with my life... how does a single person act again? Is this
emotional scar as obvious as it feels? Can the world see that Ive lost a major
part of my Hert? Do I rebound and take the first thing I can find? Do I go for
quantity or quality?Can I expect to replace something like what I had? Do I
bother? I dont know... im 'just pushing the cart' - < sorry, inside joke
>Its been a "Trent Reznor Saves the Day, too bad
neither of us are as cool as we used to be." Kinda breakup
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posted by Jeff Rowe 3:43 PM | link
Friday, May 25thth,
2001
Disclaimer: Okay, I know the Title is a little dramatic. Or at least it
might be if you know my frame of mind. Odd's are good you might be reading
this to see what that crazy bald guy might do next. Anyhow, standard warnings
apply... dont keep reading if you really could care less what Im doing, not
doing, thinking, feeling, having for lunch. Hell, just by coming to this site
you have lost all rights to bitch or complain about anything i choose to
include here. Live it, Love it, Deal with it! As a note, Im not usually this
sarcastic... at least I dont think so. -Jeff My Plans?! Well this weekend is a doozie... Things to do, Places to go,
People to see. Here is the List: Friday Night: My friend Molly (Friendography) from Kentucky is coming up to
Chicago for the weekend. She has decided to hang out with me and go do some
drinking. From the sounds of things in kenucky she could use the party time.
Rumors are either something local or maybe downtown... Ok? So? We are
indecisive! Saturday Night: Its "Neils Bachelor Party" Night! This was initially unsure
as a plan. After all I technically had a girlfriend who might not like it so
much. Now that isnt a problem... and I might as well go see some live naked
chicks now seeing as who knows when ill get to see another Sunday and Monday: Rest, relaxation, treating a hangover... and avoiding
thinking about my personal issues. Ahh, you thought I'd forget to mention
those right? Nope, simply didnt apply so far. Jeff's State of the Brain I have managed to work things out quite well, thanks to the modern miracle
of this website. Not to mention all my friends and thier wonderful inability
to runaway when I start talking about my problems. Nothing is settled, not
completely, but I have accepted it and started to cope. I have alot of fond memories, they can make me smile and they can make me
cry. The thought of being near Sandra again is a good one, even if it is just
as a friend. However, even in friendship I loose out cause she doesnt have the
time for me in her life. I guess we both have an easy way out, she will be to
busy to think about it, and I wont see her at all... except for maybe the
occasional email. Now I just wonder, do I put myself through this type of thing again? How is
it that the one time I risk my heart in ages, it winds up being the time It
gets broken. How long do I wait till I look for someone else? Is there an time
limit at all? Why do I feel so odd for thinking about this stuff? I liked my casual relationships, they didnt usually workout, but they also
didnt cause this much of an issue. Sure there might be some problems... but it
was minimal compared to this. I knew that Sandra and I would have a small
chance of working out in the long run... I knew she planned on moving after
graduation. I told her that we woudl deal with that when it came time... its
easier to do this stuff when you can prepare for the inevitable. Instead it
happened in a horrible and drawn out way, 3 weeks of the unknown, what is she
doing/thinking? Followed by 1 day of anticipation... She was back, will things
be okay with us? And then the face to face... at least she did it face to
face... and she tells me she cant see me anymore. I made it harder than it should have been, I hate round about thinking. I
dont want to be buttered up, I dont want to think less of you, just tell it to
me straight. Now I have gotten it. Im thinking about it and dealing with it as
best as I can. I've considered hoping for things to go back the way they were,
to get her back... not likely. Then I thought about going out and getting
wild... replacing her with the first dozen Icaa get my hands on, I want never
like that before... why now? Then I considered just living life as usual...
see where the tides and the widns take me. I like that... the winds are strange things. They can lead you in small
circles, big circles, take you to a new place each ride, or smash you on the
rocks. As long as you keep an eye out and dont depend on the winds to think
for you, you can let them lead and you can control how it goes. Guess, Ill try
that for a while."Whats the Plan Jack?" - What Im doing and not
doing this weekend.
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posted by Jeff Rowe 3:45 PM | link
Tuesday, May 29th,
2001
Well, I must say that these long weekends might just kill me someday. Will
that stop me? Probably not... I had a good weekend, and now here I am @work,
tired, sore, but in a good mood. Okay... onto the weekend! Friday night: Molly got into town around 8pm or so. We got ready and headed
downtown. A nice tour of chicago later we wound up at Borderline on North
Ave/Damen/Milwaukee. Its gotten way yuppier than i remebered and we were not
dressed or mentally set for this type of place. We left and tried to figure
out a place we could go that was the right atmosphere... and couldnt. The
double door had US MAPLE playing, and though I have heard little by them I
know a friend who likes them and I really debated going in and checking them
out. Loud music wasnt the mood, so off we went... driving by everything, we
couldnt find anything worthwhile... so we headed home. Pretty boring huh?
Well, the excitement was that we then ran out of gas... I got off the highway
to get gas, and found that the Willmette/Evanston area at 12pm has no open Gas
stations. Luckily Rob came to the rescue and got us gas and to a gas station.
We then went home and watched a movie... and Passed out cold... Whoo hoo! Saturday: Molly and I headed up to Lake Geneva, to visit an old friend who
manages the Starbucks up there. Lake Geneva has changed alot in the least few
years... its amazing. We hung out, had a few drinks, waiting for him to get
off work. Turns out he left work a 1/2 hour before we stopped bakc in and so
we had to drive to Kenosha to find him at home. It was good, we got to shoot
the shit and see Mark and Denise for a while. Hear the gossip, and with this
bunch the gossip can be quite entertaining. I had to cut it early... I had to
get to Dave's for the bachelor party. Saturday Night: Rob was slow getting ready as usual Sunday: This was a day of rest, nothing too amazing happened. Instead of
hitting the movies I went out with Molly again. She had herded up a couple
friends and we all went to a few bars and hung out. We had a good time...
Molly was just shy of schitzo, Lily was very cute and pretty wierd herself,
and Mike was entertaining in his endless pursuit of getting lily to sleep with
him. We didnt really know each other but we hit if off pretty well. After a
while we dropped Lily off at her car and mike off at his place and went back
to watch movies at my place. Another long, late night... man Im old! Monday: I stopped by my parents and they were not there, bought some DVD's,
and stopped in at a friends BBQ. Sachiko's BBQ wasnt spectacular but it was
fun just shooting the shit and such. Debbie and Sarah came over and watched
movies... we tried to BBQ but the Gas tank was dead. Nothing to fancy but it
was fun... Well, that was my weekend... in retrospect it wasnt as excitign as it had
seemed. I did talk to my friend Shanna on monday night... called her to bother
her. I also called Sandra, but she was sleeping. And this week Rob is watching
his grandmothers place... so unless Leroy shows up I'm just hanging out at my
place watching TV and movies all week alone My Weekend, my Memorial Day, my God! My, my,
my!
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posted by
Jeff Rowe 3:45 PM | link